A story from long ago...where fiction meets reality...

The Choice
It was burning out, the cigarette I mean. As far as I am concerned, I already was. That tiny little thing in my hand, which was nearly reaching its end as far as its productivity goes, was reminding me of me – that was the unfortunate part. I was comparing my life to a cigarette and somehow, I felt much worse than that lifeless roll of burnt tobacco in my hand. How had life turned so bitter all of a sudden? Only yesterday, the endless laughter of pure bliss had filled my entire being, the joy of being a human being was too much to contain within my mortal form for me and yes, it was contagious and spreading like water on blotting paper and today, here I was sitting, watching the endless expanse of the dark sea, staring at me with its menacing eyes. It was silently murmuring into my ears, reiterating with immense confidence, my failures and downfalls. It was yelling to me that incompetence is what has become of me. That was the first day of the rest of my life and that was going to be the last too. I missed being happy. I missed being me.

I had thought of this one moment, clearly and carefully, planning my greatest escapade. The sea was my first love. What better joy than to breath your last in the arms of the one you love? The beach was deserted. The night was dead, even rocks were silent in bearing testimony to the sights they had witnessed. I was lonely – lonely as that isolated palm tree on an oasis, which longs for the company of tired travelers. The first step is the hardest, or so I am told, so, I was waiting for that one opportune moment of extreme cowardice when I’ll be bold enough to take that extreme step. All this while, I was living for or on others. Now, at least the death will be for me. The thought was nerve wrecking at first, but after the initial doubts cleared, it seemed but natural. I am the only one who has the right on my life and how it takes shape and ending it by myself was the final master touch I could’ve added to it.

Four down, four more to go, the cigarettes I mean and then, I would give them company in hell. In my life, I had risen like a phoenix. And then, I saw it all fall down like water falls through a cascading stream. Crashing with all the might and reaching the lowest point in just no time. It was pointless to even try to reason with my mind, which seemed to have a life of its own. My mind was beyond any logic and it commanded my seemingly lifeless body to its will. I looked up and saw a solitary star, pointing and laughing at me. It may have lost its way like me, but it was still a part of the cluster. Where did I belong? In heaven, or hell, or somewhere in between. The sea was looking at me with contempt and was motioning for me to come closer with its invisible long nailed finger. I was waiting for the right moment. The wind was softly whispering, daring me to wipe my tears and go 2 the ocean. I will, I thought, the right moment. Three more to go. Just three more.

The night was dark, darker than any I remembered from memory. But, the darkness in my mind was much blacker than this endless night. It had blinded my vision, although my sight was intact. I picked up a little sand. It wasn’t soft and beautiful as I remembered. It was coarse and grainy, just like my thoughts. I let it slip out of my hand willingly. I wish I could lose control just like it. I took in a puff and made a few smoke rings in the air above my head. They were beautiful, perhaps the only sign of beauty around. They were beautiful because they rose from the dead remains of its source. I too be beautiful, again. Just two more to go.

I had a feeling that people wouldn’t miss me when I’d be gone, not even those who meant something to me. I’ll be a memory, oh yes, I would be. I gave myself credit for that because people do not forget or forgive insanity easily. It was nice to have a family and friends. I don’t quite remember how it was, it was too long ago, but I can recollect it was nice. What went wrong then? The smoke rings told me in words only I understood that I too would sublime in thin air like them, leaving no trace behind. We are what we make of ourselves and I am a result of my own actions, inexperience and constant, continuous foolishness. The cigarette in my hand looked at me helplessly, begging to be executed soon so its misery ends. I took one last puff, lighted the last one and got up to walk with my sea.

The sand under my feet was tender and loving, unlike the one I held before. It was like walking on a fluff of soft cloud. The waves came attacking towards my person, but I was too far for their reach so they just came menacingly, kissed my feet gently, pleading with me to come closer and retreated. The right moment, I thought, just wait for the right moment, I told my love. The lonely star was following my every move with keen interest. It was waiting with baited breath for some company at last. I looked at it; a reassuring glance that it wouldn’t go disappointed tonight and walked on with my friend in my hand and my lover by my side. One truant smoke ring kissed me on my cheek before departing with its friends. I saw it wave its hand to me and take leave. The last puff was the finest, smooth like a polished jewel and strong like a diamond. I threw it down onto the coarse sand and started walking towards the dark, yet wonderfully lovely and mysterious sea. I kept walking as if possessed and all I could see were the strong arms of my aficionado beckoning me to go further and further.

I kept walking and walking and walking and suddenly I stopped. The cool embrace of dark waters was kissing my neck with fierce passion. I could see it wanted more of me. But, I didn’t anymore. I wanted to go home, home to myself and not this dark past of mine. This time, my legs seemed to have a mind of heir own. They commanded me, against the wishes of my mind, which was outnumbered by the two legs, to return to the soft fluffy cloud-like sand. My body complied the wishes of my thinking legs and I turned around. The sea kept begging me to stay on, to go all the way, to love it the way I had promised. But, I had already broken my promise. I cried a little, only giving the sea something to cheer about for my tears would add to its already strong full body. I walked straight ahead, not even looking back once so that the beauty of my love doesn’t make me weak and chains me to stay on. I kept walking while the wind brought the message of what I was leaving behind. Stay, it said, stay forever. I shut my ears so I don’t hear the wailing wind and moved faster and faster. I reached the shore and turned around, one last look at my dark past. I looked up at the lonesome star and smiled, a sheepish, kind of apologetic smile. It gave me an understanding smile. I walked past the coarse sand and the silent dark night. I looked back at the silent graves of my cigarettes. Bite sand buggers, I smiled knavishly, I have a choice, you don’t.