written on an impulse...

Just a Day

It was a day

Not too different from today

Except it was raining then

And the streets smelt of the trees and the grass

And the trees and the grass were greener than they ever were

The streets were empty

But they weren’t silent

They laughed like they were being tickled

Giggled in all their glory

It was a day

Not too different from today

Except you were with me then

I was on the street that day

Giggling with the streets

With the rainbow in one hand and heaven in the other

And clouds beneath my feet

the green in the trees and the grass was me

the water in the rain was me

and I was falling on you

covering you all over

reaching every little part of your body

as you walked on the happy streets by yourself

looking at me in the trees and the grass

smiling on your own, to yourself

never realizing you were not alone

never realizing I was smiling with you

or perhaps you knew

and then you turned into me

and I was walking right where you were

soaking you in, wanting more of you with every drop of you on me

I was smiling now but I knew I was not alone

Or may be I was

I looked up to see you sitting at the rainbow

screaming my name to the sky

I tried to catch you, but the rainbow was far far away

So I closed my eyes and said a little prayer

When I dared to open them

I saw no rain

No giggling streets, no green leaves

No rainbow and no clouds

and as I tried to wander back into orientation

my hand touched your breath

my eyes met your closed eyelids

I could see you were smiling in your sleep

I nudged closer to you

You smiled some more

Not aware that I saw you

That you were still not alone

That I was smiling with you

I tugged your arm with one hand

And the other hand felt your breath

I closed my eyes and then it happened again

I had the rainbow in one hand and the heaven in the other

And the clouds beneath my feet

It was a day

Not too different from today

The Saddest Poem

I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.

Write, for instance: "The night is full of stars,
and the stars, blue, shiver in the distance."

The night wind whirls in the sky and sings.

I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

On nights like this, I held her in my arms.
I kissed her so many times under the infinite sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her.
How could I not have loved her large, still eyes?

I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.
To think I don't have her. To feel that I've lost her.

To hear the immense night, more immense without her.
And the poem falls to the soul as dew to grass.

What does it matter that my love couldn't keep her.
The night is full of stars and she is not with me.

That's all. Far away, someone sings. Far away.
My soul is lost without her.

As if to bring her near, my eyes search for her.
My heart searches for her and she is not with me.

The same night that whitens the same trees.
We, we who were, we are the same no longer.

I no longer love her, true, but how much I loved her.
My voice searched the wind to touch her ear.

Someone else's. She will be someone else's. As she once
belonged to my kisses.
Her voice, her light body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, true, but perhaps I love her.
Love is so short and oblivion so long.

Because on nights like this I held her in my arms,
my soul is lost without her.

Although this may be the last pain she causes me,
and this may be the last poem I write for her.

--Pablo Neruda

I do not love you except because I love you

I do not love you except because I love you;
I go from loving to not loving you,
From waiting to not waiting for you
My heart moves from cold to fire.

I love you only because it's you the one I love;
I hate you deeply, and hating you
Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you
Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.

Maybe January light will consume
My heart with its cruel
Ray, stealing my key to true calm.

In this part of the story I am the one who
Dies, the only one, and I will die of love because I love you,
Because I love you, Love, in fire and blood.

--Pablo Neruda

I cried when i read this first...

My dog has died.
I buried him in the garden
next to a rusted old machine.

Some day I'll join him right there,
but now he's gone with his shaggy coat,
his bad manners and his cold nose,
and I, the materialist, who never believed
in any promised heaven in the sky
for any human being,
I believe in a heaven I'll never enter.
Yes, I believe in a heaven for all dogdom
where my dog waits for my arrival
waving his fan-like tail in friendship.

Ai, I'll not speak of sadness here on earth,
of having lost a companion
who was never servile.
His friendship for me, like that of a porcupine
withholding its authority,
was the friendship of a star, aloof,
with no more intimacy than was called for,
with no exaggerations:
he never climbed all over my clothes
filling me full of his hair or his mange,
he never rubbed up against my knee
like other dogs obsessed with sex.

No, my dog used to gaze at me,
paying me the attention I need,
the attention required
to make a vain person like me understand
that, being a dog, he was wasting time,
but, with those eyes so much purer than mine,
he'd keep on gazing at me
with a look that reserved for me alone
all his sweet and shaggy life,
always near me, never troubling me,
and asking nothing.

Ai, how many times have I envied his tail
as we walked together on the shores of the sea
in the lonely winter of Isla Negra
where the wintering birds filled the sky
and my hairy dog was jumping about
full of the voltage of the sea's movement:
my wandering dog, sniffing away
with his golden tail held high,
face to face with the ocean's spray.

Joyful, joyful, joyful,
as only dogs know how to be happy
with only the autonomy
of their shameless spirit.

There are no good-byes for my dog who has died,
and we don't now and never did lie to each other.

So now he's gone and I buried him,
and that's all there is to it.

--Pablo Neruda

The Purple Day

To be able to die in peace is something that almost all of us desire. OK, not desire, because it involves the process of dying first and then being at peace, but the ‘being at peace’ part is what we wish for, don’t we? I also wished to be at peace without being dead. But here I am, resting not quite in peace but yes, resting nevertheless, watching as my body turns into ash right in front of my eyes. I am dead! Am I really?
It was a purple day. I say purple because that was the colour that came to my mind when I woke up that autumn morning. You see I have a quirk. I associate colours to whatever happens in my life, or lack of it, well, while I was alive. Coming back to the purple day, I was busy, I cannot remember doing what, when the phone on my kitchen counter started ringing. I hate the tring tring sound of the phone. It just drives me crazy, so, I decided to take revenge and let it ring. The caller on the other side must really be desperate to talk to me, the phone tringed four times. I let it ring. Then it was silent, dead like it was before, dead like I am right now. I felt amazed at how calm and peaceful my surroundings seem. It was unnatural. I liked it. I can still hear the deafening sound of that silence. It is wonderful.
My mother suddenly comes in front of me and tells me to finish my breakfast. It is a brown day. “I will make you drink this milk, even if you vomit in the glass, you will finish it,” she is yelling. I am getting late for school. I don’t hate the taste of milk. I dislike how it smells. I do hate going to school though, especially when my homework isn’t complete. I look at her from the corner of my eye. My sister is playing next to my grandmother. Granny hates her. She hates everyone except my father and me. I miss her sometimes now. She protected me as far as she could from everything bad. Mother is keeping an eye on her to ensure that she doesn’t hit my sister. I am hoping that happens. The doorbell rings. Mother goes to see who it is and I go to the sink. Milk looks good while twirling down a drain. I come back, pick up my bag and go out of the house, on my way to school.
Wait! This is not school, this is not home either. Where am I? What time is it? I am again in that purple atmosphere. My mother is gone. There is nobody. It’s just me and the wretched phone, and it’s ringing again. I pick up the phone this time. “Mom! Are you alright? I have been calling all morning,” I hear a voice. “Who are you?” I ask. “Mom it’s me – me!!. Mom, did you take your medicines?” “I am fine honey, but who are you? I think you got the wrong number. I don’t have a daughter.” I don’t have a daughter, who is she? “Mother, listen to me, in the cabinet next to the phone, there is a blue box on the 2nd shelf. Pick that up and take out the red pills and the white tablets in the orange packet and take them with some warm milk. I am holding the line. Do that and tell me ok?” the voice says. “OK, I took the medicines,” I lie. “Did u really?” “Yes I did. What is your problem? Who are you? Stop bothering me,” I say and disconnect the phone and the line. Nobody disturbs my peace.
I go to the bathroom now. Wait, there used to be a bathroom here. Why is it a garden now? What is going on? “Come over here sweety, we are planting mango trees,” my father calls out to me. I run and sit next to him. The mud is wet. It feels warm and nice. The day is yellow. “Papa, if we plant a coin here, will there be a tree which has coins on it?” I ask innocently. Papa laughs and says, “No, but you can earn coins with hard work. For the time being, lets plant mango seeds and take really good care of the plants so that they become trees real soon and we can have lots and lots of mangoes to eat ok?” “Ok.” I don’t understand why can’t we have a coin tree, but I like mangoes better. My hands are muddy and my pretty pink dress is soiled. Papa picks me up and says something. Why can’t I remember what he says? I am on his shoulders. Someone’s calling my name, I turn to look at who it is, its purple again. I am on the floor. Papa is not around. Where’d he go? The smell of wet mud still lingers in my mind. I turn around and my sister is sitting there. “Tell me some gossip. I am bored,” she says. So I sit with her on the couch in the light green room and we discuss the old hag who lives next door. Oh she is such a pain. “The other day, I was watering the plants and by mistake, OK not quite, but still, I poured some water over her irritating pooch. She just got on my case,” I am saying while my sister is laughing in her usual laugh, the kind that is contagious and makes you want to laugh with her without even knowing the joke. I am laughing too. The corner of my mouth hurts and I can’t breath.
I throw my head backwards and laugh and laugh till I have tears in my eyes. I look up, laughing hard and she is gone. It’s just me again. God! This house is suffocating me. I need fresh air. I open the door. He is standing there. I stare at him. I haven’t seen him in years, but he looks just the same. He is smiling, the same smile that used to brighten my day and left me with that warm fuzzy feeling. It’s so nice and orange. I smile as I haven’t smiled in years. He takes me in his arms and whispers in my ears, “I missed you honey.” “I love you,” I say. He comes inside and looks at the drapes. “New curtains? Red suits your house. Where are the rest of them?” “Well, we ran short of cash so could only buy curtains for one side,” I mumble. He laughs. I love his laughter. I just smile meekly and look at him. We sit down to have dinner at the couch. Dinner is never served, but I taste him, his mouth, his neck, his entire being. I am not hungry anymore. “I love you,” he says. “I love you, don’t leave me,” I say. We are in this thick embrace. I know I am a part of him and he is a part of me. He breaks away to take a breath. I close my eyes to pray. This is perfect! It shouldn’t end is all I am thinking.
I open my eyes and he is gone. It’s all purple again. I am standing at the door. This house has too many windows. I don’t like it. I close the door and go into the storeroom. There is a black trunk there. I open it and take out the bright red curtains and put them on the windows. The house is still purple, but atleast no one can see me from outside. I hate it when people stare. I get down from the stool I used to reach the curtain rods and look at myself in the mirror in the hall. I am fat! How much do I weigh? God! This was unexpected. How’d I get so fat? My maid comes and tells me, “Madam, you are glowing. How much more time now? I bet it’s a girl. You look beautiful.” “Any day now,” I tell her. I know it’ll be any day now but what am I talking about? I can’t remember. The ivory day is making me forget things. I close my eyes to silence the voices in my head. When I open them, its purple again. I am alone, where’d the maid go? The house is still dirty. I take it upon myself to clean the house, so, I pick up the broom and begun sweeping. “Mother, what are you doing?” I hear a voice. I turn around to see my girl. “Give that to me. Sit down ok?” I see her as she cleans our house. It’s nice and pink. She comes and sits down next to me keeping the broom aside. “Mother, I have got a really good offer for a job. It’s very well paying and it has lots of perks too,” she is saying. Wow! My little girl is all grown up! “What job honey?” “Just like you, mother.” My girl’s going to be a writer! I am thrilled. “Mother, don’t freak out ok? The thing is that this job requires me to reinstate myself to another city.” Am I imagining things? Did she really say what I heard? “You will leave me?” I ask. “No mother, you will go with me, just give me time to find a house and then I’ll come and take you there myself.” I don’t believe her. She wants to get rid of me. I stare at her, a long hard stare.
“Mother, if it hurts you so much, I will not take this job,” she finally says. I am a bad bad mother. How can I become an obstacle in the way of my child’s success because of my insecurities and some obscure ideas? “Honey, I’ll be alright. Call me everyday and promise you’ll get a house really soon. When do you have to leave?” “In a week’s time. Oh mother, you’re the best,” She chimes. “I know,” I mumble looking at the threads coming out of the carpet, thinking what to say next. “Honey, you must start…” I look up, there’s no one. It’s that purple room again.
This is like confinement. Am I crazy? Of course I am not. Oh God! That woman on the phone, she was my daughter. How could I forget? I must call her now. Wait, what is her number? I’ll have to look for it, but where? Let me look in the kitchen, it must be there somewhere. I walk to the counter and open the cabinet next to the phone. Ah! There is a phone book. Now all I need is to remember her name. I pick up the diary and close the door. “Hi!” he says. I drop the diary in a huff. Where’d he come from? “How have you been?” he asks. “I am alright. What brings you here?” I look around the blue room. “Just wanted to see you. It’s been 6 years. How are you doing? Where’s our daughter?” he says. What does he want from me? Showing up suddenly after six years like this, it’s unusual. “We are doing fine. It’s a school day remember?” I blurt out. “I am sorry,” he says. “What for?” “For everything.” I look at him. He hasn’t changed. I have, I think. “Doesn’t she ever ask about her father?” he breaks the silence. She does, all the time. I tell her he died in a car crash before she was born. I think she believes me.” I tell him. He looks blank. Not hurt, not surprised, just blank. “And you? Don’t you miss me ever?” I close my eyes so that he doesn’t see through me like he used to. Oh God! How can I not miss him? I think about him every waking moment of the day and dream about him when I am asleep. How can I tell him that when he left, I had nothing to live for? How can I tell him that I still will forgive him, all he has to do is ask for forgiveness. How can I tell him that…
My head suddenly starts hurting. It’s like someone just ripped my brain out. I open my eyes and see a young boy. He has a rod in his hand. I look at him with a puzzled expression. His eyes are enraged. The room is purple again. I can feel something running down from my head, onto my forehead, down my nose. I don’t understand what is happening. Things are blurring. The boy is saying something, I can see his lips moving in a synchronized pattern but I can’t hear the words. I keep staring at him. Suddenly, he hits me with that rod again. This time, I smile. “You know, you are the first guest I’ve had in ages.” I mumble and fall to the ground.
The purple room is black, finally, some real change in colour.

A story from long ago...where fiction meets reality...

The Choice
It was burning out, the cigarette I mean. As far as I am concerned, I already was. That tiny little thing in my hand, which was nearly reaching its end as far as its productivity goes, was reminding me of me – that was the unfortunate part. I was comparing my life to a cigarette and somehow, I felt much worse than that lifeless roll of burnt tobacco in my hand. How had life turned so bitter all of a sudden? Only yesterday, the endless laughter of pure bliss had filled my entire being, the joy of being a human being was too much to contain within my mortal form for me and yes, it was contagious and spreading like water on blotting paper and today, here I was sitting, watching the endless expanse of the dark sea, staring at me with its menacing eyes. It was silently murmuring into my ears, reiterating with immense confidence, my failures and downfalls. It was yelling to me that incompetence is what has become of me. That was the first day of the rest of my life and that was going to be the last too. I missed being happy. I missed being me.

I had thought of this one moment, clearly and carefully, planning my greatest escapade. The sea was my first love. What better joy than to breath your last in the arms of the one you love? The beach was deserted. The night was dead, even rocks were silent in bearing testimony to the sights they had witnessed. I was lonely – lonely as that isolated palm tree on an oasis, which longs for the company of tired travelers. The first step is the hardest, or so I am told, so, I was waiting for that one opportune moment of extreme cowardice when I’ll be bold enough to take that extreme step. All this while, I was living for or on others. Now, at least the death will be for me. The thought was nerve wrecking at first, but after the initial doubts cleared, it seemed but natural. I am the only one who has the right on my life and how it takes shape and ending it by myself was the final master touch I could’ve added to it.

Four down, four more to go, the cigarettes I mean and then, I would give them company in hell. In my life, I had risen like a phoenix. And then, I saw it all fall down like water falls through a cascading stream. Crashing with all the might and reaching the lowest point in just no time. It was pointless to even try to reason with my mind, which seemed to have a life of its own. My mind was beyond any logic and it commanded my seemingly lifeless body to its will. I looked up and saw a solitary star, pointing and laughing at me. It may have lost its way like me, but it was still a part of the cluster. Where did I belong? In heaven, or hell, or somewhere in between. The sea was looking at me with contempt and was motioning for me to come closer with its invisible long nailed finger. I was waiting for the right moment. The wind was softly whispering, daring me to wipe my tears and go 2 the ocean. I will, I thought, the right moment. Three more to go. Just three more.

The night was dark, darker than any I remembered from memory. But, the darkness in my mind was much blacker than this endless night. It had blinded my vision, although my sight was intact. I picked up a little sand. It wasn’t soft and beautiful as I remembered. It was coarse and grainy, just like my thoughts. I let it slip out of my hand willingly. I wish I could lose control just like it. I took in a puff and made a few smoke rings in the air above my head. They were beautiful, perhaps the only sign of beauty around. They were beautiful because they rose from the dead remains of its source. I too be beautiful, again. Just two more to go.

I had a feeling that people wouldn’t miss me when I’d be gone, not even those who meant something to me. I’ll be a memory, oh yes, I would be. I gave myself credit for that because people do not forget or forgive insanity easily. It was nice to have a family and friends. I don’t quite remember how it was, it was too long ago, but I can recollect it was nice. What went wrong then? The smoke rings told me in words only I understood that I too would sublime in thin air like them, leaving no trace behind. We are what we make of ourselves and I am a result of my own actions, inexperience and constant, continuous foolishness. The cigarette in my hand looked at me helplessly, begging to be executed soon so its misery ends. I took one last puff, lighted the last one and got up to walk with my sea.

The sand under my feet was tender and loving, unlike the one I held before. It was like walking on a fluff of soft cloud. The waves came attacking towards my person, but I was too far for their reach so they just came menacingly, kissed my feet gently, pleading with me to come closer and retreated. The right moment, I thought, just wait for the right moment, I told my love. The lonely star was following my every move with keen interest. It was waiting with baited breath for some company at last. I looked at it; a reassuring glance that it wouldn’t go disappointed tonight and walked on with my friend in my hand and my lover by my side. One truant smoke ring kissed me on my cheek before departing with its friends. I saw it wave its hand to me and take leave. The last puff was the finest, smooth like a polished jewel and strong like a diamond. I threw it down onto the coarse sand and started walking towards the dark, yet wonderfully lovely and mysterious sea. I kept walking as if possessed and all I could see were the strong arms of my aficionado beckoning me to go further and further.

I kept walking and walking and walking and suddenly I stopped. The cool embrace of dark waters was kissing my neck with fierce passion. I could see it wanted more of me. But, I didn’t anymore. I wanted to go home, home to myself and not this dark past of mine. This time, my legs seemed to have a mind of heir own. They commanded me, against the wishes of my mind, which was outnumbered by the two legs, to return to the soft fluffy cloud-like sand. My body complied the wishes of my thinking legs and I turned around. The sea kept begging me to stay on, to go all the way, to love it the way I had promised. But, I had already broken my promise. I cried a little, only giving the sea something to cheer about for my tears would add to its already strong full body. I walked straight ahead, not even looking back once so that the beauty of my love doesn’t make me weak and chains me to stay on. I kept walking while the wind brought the message of what I was leaving behind. Stay, it said, stay forever. I shut my ears so I don’t hear the wailing wind and moved faster and faster. I reached the shore and turned around, one last look at my dark past. I looked up at the lonesome star and smiled, a sheepish, kind of apologetic smile. It gave me an understanding smile. I walked past the coarse sand and the silent dark night. I looked back at the silent graves of my cigarettes. Bite sand buggers, I smiled knavishly, I have a choice, you don’t.

It's funny how excessive fun can suck the fun out of fun. believe me, it is happening right now with me. i had begun to believe that believing in myself would lead to some sort of relief from teh burdens of my own unfulfilled expectations for myself and hence give me some joy and fun. however, a sudden turn of event has opened my eyes to a whole new darkness where my eyes were better closed. now i have a tag of being fun, and yet no fun to be with. i feel incaptivated in this state of ambiguity and feel like i am heading into oblivion at the speed of light. i am falling from my own grace and the worst infliction on my soul is that i cannot even see it - teh darkness remember? so, here i am rearing to fly, with my wings clipped and the sky taunting me with all its glory. teh fun is gone, the interest is gone, the inclination is gone. i cannot even seek help now; i see no one.